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Meatballs, Soap boxes and Tuna Cans

 I'm talking about the green blobs they call landscape plants.

By Tim Wood  All rights reserved ©  Spring Meadow Nursery, Inc.

    Like it or not people love meatballs, tuna cans and soap boxes. No I'm not talking about food and packaging.  I'm talking about the green blobs they call landscape plants. You know those "bushes" out in front of the house that have been sheared into geometric green soldiers.  People that take wonderful fluffy Taxus and transform them into meatballs, tuna cans and soap boxes. I use to think that it was only the unknowing, uneducated home owner who did this, but I have since noticed that it's the common practice of professionals as well.  It use to drive me crazy, but now I understand it and try to capitalize on it.

    So why do people involve themselves in this bizarre and cruel form of plant mutilation?  I have a theory.  There are few areas in ones life where we can exercise supreme control without repercussion or police involvement. All day long we are frustrated by our lack of control. We can't control our spouse. We can't control our boss. We can't control our kids. We can't train the dog to do his business outside. But plants are a different story. Armed with a dull pair of gas or electric shears we can totally dominate our plants. Not only can we keep them from growing up, we can shape them, mold them and make them into something God never intended.  Not only does this give us one last bastion of control in our lives, it also allows us, to a very small extent, "play God." Yes, the practice of shearing our plants can be traced back to the garden of Eden and original sin! This is not uncommon for gardeners, in fact, it goes hand in hand with gardening.  As a gardener, nurserymen or grower, we need to feel and believe that we are doing the growing and not the plant. We say things like, "I grew that tomato myself!", and we give no credit at all to the tomato plant. Well enough said about the human psyche. As I said earlier I've given up my pet peeve on this and have learned to capitalize on it. I now realize that I can make serious money catering to the control freaks by offering them better meatballs, tuna cans and soap boxes. Here are my favorites:

 Buxus x 'Green Velvet' is a great plant for those who love meatballs. It is a tight round plant that responses well to domination by shearing. It being one of the Sheradon Nursery green series hybrids, Green Velvet is extremely hardy and burn resistant.  I remember a formal English garden box hedging around all the beds. Half of the hedge was Green Velvet and half was 'Vardar Valley' which I was taught was the hardiest boxwood. After an extremely hard winter half of the boxwood was dead and it wasn't Green Velvet.

 Ribes alpinum GREEN JEANS™ 'Spreg' is great for making a bright glossy green soapbox or meatball. Like all Ribes it is a tough plant that does nothing but look like a green blob. This plant thrives on being sheared, so go ahead and take control. I also like how this plant holds it leaves in the heat better than older cultivars, which is very important for green blobs!

 Ilex glabra is a meatball with underutilized potential in the north. It is every bit a hardy as boxwood, if not more so, and it does not tend to burn. It makes a great rounded hedge that can either be clipped tight or allowed to remain fluffy to semi-fluffy. I like a cultivar by the name of 'Densa' which forms a squat chocolate kiss shape. It has very dark, thick foliage. It also retains its lower branches and leaves unlike some older cultivars. 'Shamrock' is also very nice with its bright green, glossy foliage. Ilex glabra is a great plant that deserves much greater use. Expect to see this plant explode in the North.

 Taxus x media 'Tauntonii' is a wonderful, dense and hardy selection of Taxus with thick dark green needles. It is the preferred meatball plant in Minnesota because of its superior hardiness. It does not grow as fast a 'Densiformis' and so extreme control freaks will be disappointed that they'll only get to shear it once a year or less. I saw this plant a few years back at the Chicago Botanic Garden planted into the top of a four foot brick wall. It was it great health with no sign of winter burn! That's tough!

 Thuja occidentalis 'Danica' is the lazy man's meatball. If you love the petite meatball look but would rather be watching baseball than shearing a shrub this is the plant for you. It has the same bright glossy foliage as Thuja o. 'Smaragd' (Emerald) but in a miniature meatball form. You'll never need to prune it and it's less likely to do the splits like 'Hetz Midget'.            

Thuja occidentalis 'Teddy' is the ultimate meatball! This little globe arborvitae is the neatest, softest puff ball of foliage you've ever seen. A has unique bluish-green, juvenile foliage forms the perfect ball around 12-16" in diameter.  You never need to prune this plant, it forms a wonderful little meatball with out your assistance or electric ginsu! 

 Well I don't know about you, but I'm personally not a control freak. Or perhaps I am not a frustrated control freak that needs to dominate my plants. Or perhaps I'm just lazy and  would rather not spend my weekends whacking on my shrubs.  Or perhaps I get to whack on enough plants at work, that I've worked out all my frustrations. Perhaps it's just my kind and loving nature. I am more apt to give my plants a little loving pinch than a full metal jacket shearing. Whatever the case, there are certainly gobs of frustrated control freaks out there who a looking to tame a loose, wild shrub in to a meatball, tuna can or soap box. Don't believe me? Take a look around your neighborhood and notice all the potential customers.  

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